


holy fire

by churchtastic



Category: Dungeons & Dragons - All Media Types, Original Work
Genre: Gen, dm emotionally traumatized my pc so i decided to write about it, fear spell, im sorry lillian rowan was a bitch, shoutout to you mayo ily, they have daddy and mommy issues we love this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-12
Updated: 2019-12-12
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:06:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21771916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/churchtastic/pseuds/churchtastic
Summary: the thing with holy fire is that it burns only the impure and undeserving
Comments: 1
Kudos: 2





	holy fire

It begins in the fear room, with the angel scrutinizing Rowan. She is perfect and holy and powerful, and everything Rowan has ever imagined her to be. The disgust and the hatred burns through Rowan’s soul, and with every word they shrink away from the angel before them. While the rejection burns them from the inside out, the holy fire burns them from the outside in. The fire *hurts* and it feels like a death sentence, a confirmation that they are a failure, their mother will never be proud of them no matter how hard Rowan tries.  
It comes together while they cling to Kaylock like a lifeline, sobbing and shaking. They don’t deserve this comfort, they know, they can practically feel the disapproval of the angel burning into them, they are being weak and *not. good. enough*. And that phrase sticks: *not good enough, not good enough, not good enough*. Finding Jarissa and Lillian, they are *not good enough, not good enough, not good enough*. Walking through the halls, thrumming louder in their ears with each step, *not good enough, not good enough, not good enough*.  
It feels like its going to burst out of their chest by the time ass gang reaches the surgery room. The fight against the nurses goes to shit, of course. Rowan gets one hit in before they are frozen in terror because that nurse just wailed and it was absolutely horrifying. Lillian goes down, and the words are screaming in their ears *not good enough, not good enough, not good enough*. Then Kaylock goes down, and it is just another confirmation that the angel was right. Their dad was right. They will never be as good as their mother and this is all the proof they need.  
And finally, *finally* they snap out of the frozen feeling of terror. Rowan activates radiant soul because holy shit Lillian and Kaylock are unconscious, they have to protect them. The wings and halo come out and they can feel their eyes blazing with light. It reminds them of holy fire: golden, pure, and perfect. A testament to everything Rowan will never be. And all the while chanting in their head, *not good enough, not good enough, not good enough*.  
Lillian is up, but *that is not Lillian*. It asks if it can take a message, and Rowan feels their heart drop. Everything about it is wrong because Rowan has held hands with and kissed that body but the thing controlling it is. not. Lillian. Rowan is horrified and angry, and maybe not thinking straight because they can barely hear anything over the roaring mantra of *not good enough, not good enough, not good enough*. They can barely stand touching Lillian to heal her and that thought sickens them to their stomach. Because this is their girlfriend, whom they love very dearly and are failing in this moment.  
The tears start to form again when Lillian says she trusts the Squip. The tears start to fall when Rowan realizes that this is because they are, once again, not good enough. Lillian believes the gang needs help, and maybe a Rowan that had not just been told they are a failure would have understood why Lillian had chosen this. But the Rowan right here, right now, is currently having every awful thing they’ve ever been told about themself be confirmed. And so Rowan can’t even concentrate on Lillian’s explanation because the *not good enough, not good enough, not good enough* has become impossibly loud, and is fast becoming the only thing they can hear.  
“You. Weren’t. There.”  
And just like that, the mantra shatters, and a deceivingly peaceful calm of self loathing takes its place. Because Lillian is right. Rowan wasn’t able to help her, because they were weak and unable to break out of the fear spell. They have never been good enough, it just took an illusion of the mom they’ve never met to make them realize the truth. It burns away at the last few shreds of self confidence Rowan had, and suddenly they need to get away from Lillian and Kaylock because they are a failure and its only a matter of time before the gang realizes it too.  
So Rowan walks away, feeling the echoes of imagined holy fire burn at their feet.


End file.
